


The Nature of Us

by angeloscastiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2013-06-05
Packaged: 2017-12-14 01:29:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/831141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angeloscastiel/pseuds/angeloscastiel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the nature of me and you, we are divided. In the nature of us, we are perfect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Nature of Us

Our error lay in thinking of the nature of you and me, rather than the nature of us.

In the nature of _you and me_ , you were a man and I was an angel. You were the Righteous Man and I was fallen. Your soul shone brighter than any other human soul and my grace was tainted by a multitude of sins.

I loved you from the moment I saw you, torn and battered and covered in the filth of perdition, but even after forty years in the Pit that filth never entered your soul. It lingered on the surface but where I laid my hand on you it burnt away, and I knew that no darkness could ever stick to you. You were, and always will be, the best of humanity. I rebuilt you, but you were not broken.

The nature of _you and me_ was flawed from the beginning. _You and me_ were not meant to happen. You saw me in an abandoned building in Illinois and you plunged a knife into my heart. I pulled it out but your eyes burned with rage and I understood that _you and I_ were fundamentally different. You hated me, blamed me, mistrusted me. You were right to do so. When you finally believed, I was no longer worth believing in.

I did not realise until too late that I loved you. Angels are created to love humans, of course. Few do, at least not properly. I thought I was doing what I was created to do, until I fell for you and rebelled for you. I was not created to rebel. You were a force acting upon me that I could not explain. I did not understand until after we stopped the Apocalypse and I pulled Sam from the Cage, and it was not the same. Perhaps it was because I made a mistake, and I did not hold his soul in my hands and marvel at its beauty. But I had now done for Sam what I had done for you, and I did not feel for him what I felt for you.

When I understood why, I realised you could not return my affections. I became your guardian angel, doing what I thought was right from a distance. I did not come when you called. I betrayed you in my efforts to keep you safe and happy. I was wrong, of course. I have been wrong since I realised I loved you, because in the nature of _you and me_ there is disharmony and disconnection. I thought that by putting distance between us, I would make things easier on myself. I was selfish. It never crossed my mind that you had grown to care for me, that you wanted me around not as your guardian angel or your brother in arms, but as your friend. Even when you told me you needed me, I assumed your need was practical. A set of wings, a blast of grace. I saw you as my beloved, but in my mind I was just your bodyguard. It never crossed my mind that _we_ could possibly be more.

In the nature of _us_ , we are different. We are not a human and an angel. We are Dean and Castiel, and we need each other. We save each other. We are counterparts, equals in every respect. In the nature of _us_ , our profound bond overshadows what we are. In the nature of us, we are lovers, and the strength of our connection is one I could not have fathomed possible in the millenia I have spent on Earth and in Heaven. United, our partnership is not only possible but inevitable. We are jigsaw pieces that fit perfectly together; drawn to one another like steel to magnet. We are different, fundamentally so, but in the nature of us we are made stronger for it.

 

* * *

 

I guess I never really thought about us so much as me ’n you, and what you are and what I’m not. And when you look at it that way, we’re impossible, aren’t we? You came down into Hell for me, army of angels at your back, and I was halfway to bein’ a demon and I broke the first seal, and you still pulled my ass outta there, and when we first met properly I stuck a knife in your chest. You were a fucking angel and you told me I was worth savin’ and I didn’t believe you, and truth is sometimes I still don’t.

I dunno when I fell in love with you, man, it’s weird. Sometimes I think there’s never been a time that I haven’t loved you, and then I remember the early days when you were all _God has a plan for you, Dean,_ and I only accepted that you were an angel because you were such a sanctimonious ass. Sometimes I think I loved you way before you ever loved me, coz whenever you have your wings you fly off and I don’t hear from you for weeks and after we stopped the Apocalypse I’d be prayin’ to you and I wouldn’t get an answer, but just coz you weren’t around doesn’t mean jack squat when it comes to you. I got a lot to teach you about staying put, Cas.

I knew for real when I was in Purgatory, because you know you were the first real friend I had outside Sammy, and I thought that’s all you were, you know, cos I didn’t have anything to compare it to. But when I met Benny, I knew. Cos he did the same that you did, you know – he saved my ass in Purgatory, I wouldn’t have gotten it out if it weren’t for him, he had my back just like you did, but he was my friend and you were somethin’ else. You were Cas. And when you came back, man – I can’t even explain it. I kept waitin’ for Sammy to call me out on it, thought it was obvious, but he never did. But I couldn’t say anythin’ to you, because you’re a damn _angel_ and you’re a dude and I never accepted that part of myself, y’know? And you kept vanishing on me, and Naomi – man, she saw right through me, I’ll tell you – and she said straight up that you didn’t feel the same way and I just thought, well that’s that then. Hurt a lot, but what can you do? I never stood a chance with you.

I guess that’s where we went wrong, huh? Lookin’ at each other like _he’s this and I’m that,_ and never _but we’re this._ Coz you and me – that shouldn’t work. Ever. I’m fucked up and you’ve fucked up and you’re a fallen angel and I’m a hunter and you pulled me outta hell and I couldn’t pull you outta Purgatory, you stubborn son of a bitch – but _we_ work. And it’s the weirdest thing, y’know? Just changin’ those three words to one and suddenly it’s _profound bond_ and me tellin’ you that I love you and you lookin’ at me all quizzical and saying how you don’t understand because you thought it was one-sided and all that Mills and Boon crap, and next thing I know I’m kissin’ you against the bunker wall and you’re movin’ into my bedroom and Sammy keeps smirkin’ at us and I don’t care because I’ve got you, and it’s weird, y’know? But, pullin’ out all the cliches, I guess we’re greater than the sum of our parts. Or somethin’.


End file.
